Mary Oliver said that after death, she wanted to be able to say she was "a bride married to amazement." A noble goal - to find wonder in the world and ordinary days. Many of us strive to live in the moment this way and catch glimpses of beauty and delight in the mundane.
In one area of life, continued amazement is perhaps a bit less virtuous: with people. Let us immediately divert to another worthy quote, from Maya Angelou:
"When people show you who they are, believe them."People reveal themselves sometimes slowly, but in getting to know them, they eventually will show you who they are: the person with whom a secret is safer than Fort Knox, the chronically late coworker, the generous friend, the remote parent, the oblivious boss. And one label does few of us justice, but fortunately we get a whole package of Avery labels. Among mine are diligent employee, diligent procrastinator, someone who laughs at inopportune times, someone who tells the truth. My own behavior rarely surprises me anymore. And most of my friends and family's shouldn't either - after all, I know them quite well.
But how many times do I find myself surprised when people I know well do something entirely in character for them? When the reliable friend is the one who shows up without being asked? When the always-late friend is late again? When the liar lies? When the gossip is known to have talked about me?
At some point, reacting to the disappointing behavior with surprise or outrage just doesn't make sense.
They've shown me who they are. It's not a judgment, it's merely information about them and me. What I can do to keep my equanimity is to keep that information in mind, and keep my expectations in check.
It is sometimes difficult to see people as they really are, rather than as we wish them to be. It's been the work of many months for me to learn this lesson, but I am happier for it: it lets both me and the other person off the hook.
